The past two years, we have elected to stay home and tend to our stressed out pup. Though, to be honest, our reasoning was 49% to keep her calm and 51% to prevent damage to our home. Everywhere you look in Four Square No. 266 there are marks of 4th's past. Destroyed curtains. Chewed up baseboards. Scratched up doors. And a metal door on a dog cage that looks like crinkled up aluminum foil.
Not wanting to be prisoners in our home, we decided to take a proactive approach again. Previously, we attempted to use Lilly's Reconcile, which is basically Prozac aimed at dogs with separation anxiety. Unfortunately, it made her even more psychotic than before. For a drug for separation anxiety, it oddly made her more anxious. It was not good for her. Or us. We dropped that real quick.
This year, we went with alprazolam, which is the generic name for Xanax. And I'm happy to say that despite the war-zone like conditions in our 'hood, we returned to a home that was in the same condition as we left it.
That's not to say that it was the perfect drug. Everything has its side effects. This is what alprazolam has, according to wikipedia...
-Drowsiness... she did sleep a lot more during the day.
-Decreased inhibitions, no fear of danger (increased risk taking behavior)... I'll say! Several of El Presidente's books where destroyed in the process. After I would discipline her about chewing up a book, I'd turn around, and she will have taken another book off of his book shelf! That bitch!
-Depressed mood with thoughts of suicide or self harm... kinda related to the previous side affect, as she was asking for the lovely wife to kill her.
-Hallucinations, agitation, and hostility... let's say that she hasn't been putting up with Ethel's shit this week.
-Hyperactivity... like a fart in a hot skillet. When she's not sleeping, she is bugging the crap out of us. Even as I write this, she keeps coming up to me, whimpering to do something...ANYTHING! PLEASE!
-Feeling dizziness, light headed, or fainting... okay, I'm assuming that she is just sleeping all the time.
-Urinating less than usual or not at all... most certainly not the case! She's been pissing like a race horse.
-Flu like symptoms... her nose has been warm, but I haven't see her going for the Tylenol.
-Speech problems... well, she's a dog, so that was a pre-existing condition
-Complete memory loss and concentration problems... getting her attention has been more difficult than normal. So has El Presidente's. We've been having to speak more loudly and stomp to get their attention recently. I think they are teaming up against us.
-Changes in appetite... you mean aside from the increased desire to eat books?
-Blurred vision, unsteadiness and clumsiness... well, she was never Ginger Rogers. There is a reason she is called Lucy.
-Constipation, diarrhea, nausea, and vomiting... thank God no!
-Decreased sex drive... I try not to pry into her personal life.
-Dry mouth... she has been drinking a lot more. I mean water, not alcohol. That's just me. And El Presidente.
-Nervousness, restlessness, sleeplessness, and sweating... kinda goes with hyperactivity, doesn't it? She has been waking up early in the mornings recently.
-Rapid heartbeat... seriously, this hasn't been an issue. In fact, I've noticed that she hasn't been breathing heavy during fireworks as in the past, so this I was actually paying attention to.
-Skin inflammation... like a monk setting itself on fire?
-Muscle twitching, tremor, and seizure... not that I have noticed, but she maybe during her fidgeting and I've not noticed.
In all seriousness, these side effects are most likely related to humans taking the pills. But they seem to carry over pretty well into the canine world. My conclusion, we'll probably use these again next 4th of July as, aside from the destruction of a few books, this has been the least costly 4th of July in recent memory. But we'll try to keep in mind that she will bug the shit out of us during its use.
3 comments:
No shit about the Sadr City. The people a few houses down were lighting off something that sounded like cannons hours before it got dark. I actually heard Lee Greenwood blaring over the fences during some of the worst of it.
Of course, this is the same yard where the kids never talk, always scream. Maybe their hearing is impaired by the annual explode-o-fest? In any case, I might need to borrow your dog's Xanax next year.
And an update: At 10:15 on Sunday night, these assholes are still blowing shit up. AAaaarrrrgggghhhhh!
I don't call Lucy the Crazy Bitch for nothing! I'm sure she calls me the same thing.
Post a Comment